Why The Nice Boys Are Being Left Behind

Mothers of boys are beside themselves today. Here they have raised their sons to be kind, considerate, caring, and generally nice guys -- any girl’s dream. Unfortunately, the girls today are more interested in the “bad boys” -- the ones that treat them horribly and break their hearts. Why do they come back for more? Why are the nice guys being left behind?

Society seems to have made a 360-degree turnaround. The rules of dating have changed, and no one seems to have informed the guys. No wonder they are confused!

Girls are infinitely more independent these days. No longer are they told to become teachers so they can have the same hours as their children. Today, parents don’t advise their daughters to go to college to get a degree plus an M.R.S. Girls are taught they can have it all -- a career, marriage and a family. They are empowered to go after what they want, when they want it. In this process, their attitude toward dating has also changed. Girls don’t wait at home waiting for the telephone to ring; if there is someone they want to date, they will take the initiative.

A good majority of girls, and boys, have watched their parents’ marriages falter and end in divorce. They have witnessed both verbal, mental, and, at times, physical abuse. Many have seen their mothers take charge of their lives and live happy and productive lives without a man. The mothers took control of the situation and handled it the best they could.

No matter how much children refuse to admit it, they are a product of their environment. They are more like their parents than they wish, and sometimes they actually hear their mother’s words coming out of their own mouths! It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out that a child will emulate the role model to which he/she has been exposed.

Single mothers, out of necessity, may have become a little more controlling than they would have if they had remained in their marriages. They have so many responsibilities that they feel the only way to accomplish everything is to keep a tight rein. Consequently, daughters see their mothers as “being in charge” at all times. They also see them able to cope without the help of a man. They might even see men as the enemy -- someone who will hold them down and not let them reach their goals. Some girls have only been exposed to bad boy role models, so it makes sense when they go to look for a man that is the type to whom they gravitate. They just don’t know how to react to a “nice guy” who is concerned about what they think and feel.

If one is not exposed to a good marriage and a successful male-female relationship, then she cannot possibly be expected to know how it works. Children learn by example and, today with the norm being single parent famllies, they are not learning how to compromise, to be a supportive partner, to work as a team, and to live and love in harmony.

Girls may think being strong and independent precludes having a relationship. In truth, it is those two characteristics that will make a relationship work. It makes two people come together because they want to be together rather than because they need to be. It allows them to remain individuals who respect each other rather than becoming co-dependent. Unfortunately, nice guys who are willing to bend and are not threatened to show their feminine side are being labeled by girls as too wishy-washy and weak. Instead, the girls turn to men who are self-centered and care only about their own needs.

WAKE UP GIRLS!!

Instead of being attracted to that sexy and dangerous, but not too sensitive and kind, guy, here are some of the qualities for which you should be searching.

Strength is a great quality in a guy, but sometimes a man’s greatest strength is being able to admit his doubts and fears. If a guy can cry in front of you and not feel any less a man, this is the guy you want. It means he is in touch with his feelings; he knows it is okay to hurt and face problems. He won’t bury his pain deep within his soul only to have it come out later as harmful actions or words directed towards you.

The ability to communicate, during both good times and bad, is of utmost importance. It is imperative to remember that your partner does not have E.S.P. He cannot know what you are thinking or feeling if you do not tell him. Do not assume he knows you are hurt, fearful, sad, or even happy. Learn to express yourself and create an environment where both partners feel safe enough to admit their dreams, hopes, and, sometimes, fears and failures.

Being able to take charge of a situation is another admirable trait. However, couples have to learn that one person cannot be in charge all the time. And, just because you are not in charge, it doesn’t mean you are giving up your power. Sometimes it is nice to be taken care of, and sometimes it is nice to care for your partner. Relationships are not always 50-50; sometimes they are 60-40, 70-30, and, at the extreme end, at times 90-10 or 100-0. Couples must learn to care for each other and not jockey for position. You must learn when to take charge and when to step back.

A man should be confident in his abilities and ambitious enough to do his best work at all times. He should also be able to share in his mate’s accomplishments and, if she should surpass him in the business world in either position or money, not be jealous or take it as a slap against his manhood. Secure individuals share in other people’s happiness and do not feel it makes them a lesser person.

You want someone who makes you feel good about yourself -- someone who allows you the freedom to explore what you want to be when you grow up. Moreover, you may not “grow up” until you are thirty or forty. How many young people actually know what they want to do for the rest of their lives? Life is a journey of exploration, and you need a partner willing to take your hand (sometimes leading and sometimes following) as you face the future together.

And as a final word of advice -- when deciding whether a relationship feels right or not, you must listen to three things -- your head, your heart, and your gut. All three must be in alignment. That means if your heart feels really happy, but in your gut, deep down, you know something is wrong -- do not be afraid to leave the relationship. Niggling little doubts have a way of manifesting themselves physically. They keep you up at night; they give you stomach and other body aches; and they make you lethargic and not want to face the world. Listen to your body. When things are truly right, your body will sing in perfect harmony!

Ellen Gerst is a Relationship Coach/Consultant who also specializes in the field of grief. She has just published "Love After Loss: Writing the Rest of Your Story", an instruction manual for redesigning your future to include a new love connection. This book is for both the divorced and widowed. Additionally, it includes advice on how to have a healthy and successful relationship, which men and women of all ages can benefit.  Click Here To Purchase Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story . Individual Relationship Coaching is available here .

Recently, I was introduced to the concept of the “thinthread”.  A thin thread is amoment, event, setback, crossroad, or encounter that connected you to a person,place or an opportunity that changed your life for the better.

Losing a loved one may very well be one of these moments,but, in the darkness of grief, this “moment” may be overlooked or ignored.

I truly believe that there are no coincidences in life.Everything for which we desire is put in our path, and it is up to theindividual to grab hold of it. It is unfortunate that in our sorrow (andsometimes even when we are not grieving), we might be walking with blinders onand our heads down, so we miss the opportunities offered.

“When a door is closed, a window is opened” is an old cliché,but it holds an undeniable truth. Despite your great loss, the universe (andyour life) continues to flow, and there are new chapters of your life to bewritten. It is just up to you to pick up the pen.

A heavy door slammed shut upon the death of  my late husband. While looking for windows toopen, I stumbled upon a class in spirituality given by a local intuitivetherapist. I became friendly with the teacher, and she told me that she hadbeen praying for someone to enter her life to help her write a book --  and she felt I was that person. Together, wewrote "The Other Side of the Vail, Spiritual Guidance for EverydayLiving", which we have just recently updated for a second printing. So outof my great setback, came an encounter with a woman whose teachings set me on apath that changed my outlook on life, helped me immensely in my grief journey,and moved my career forward. Certainly a “thin thread” moment!

Thin Threads® Stories is actually a book series thatembraces the best of the human spirit - the heart and instinct in each of usthat leads us toward becoming who we were meant to be. These Thin Threadstories are a collection of moments, events or decisions told in personal storyform, each showing how the course of our lives can be redirected for thebetter. The stories encapsulate our human desire to tell our own stories and toread and relate to others through their stories.

More volumes of this series are in the works, and I havebeen asked to be a collector/editor of these stories – in particular aboutgrief and recovery and spirituality.

Although so difficult with which to cope, losing a loved oneteaches a mourner the most about life. Consequently, I believe a great numberof you have a story to tell which could be classified as a “thin thread”moment. 

If you are interested in sharing your "moment" bycontributing to this series, please visit the Thin Threads website at  www.thinthreads.com to see sample stories andguidelines.

You may submit your story online, and if you choose Ellen's blog for legacy.com under the question -- Where did you hearabout Thin Threads? -- your story will come directly to me.

This is a wonderful opportunity for aspiring writers, aswell as those who want to create a legacy by chronicling a life-changing event and/orhonoring a lost loved one. Moreover, please feel free to share this opportunity with others.

If your story is chosen, you will receive $100 and have theopportunity to write a blurb about yourself. You also will be entered into thestory contest outlined on the website. If you have a compelling story to tell,but you are having trouble writing it, you may contact me through my website at www.LNGerst.com, andwe can discuss another option.

I thought I would start the new year with a little levity.

I have been a strict rule follower my whole life -- crossing all the t’s and dotting all the i’s. I also always fulfill my responsibilities before taking any pleasure.

Never stepping over the line, my late husband’s suicide was an especially hard concept for me to understand, for what goes more against societal rules than taking one’s own life?

I believe part of the lesson I needed to learn was that it is okay to put a toe over the line now and again,and that the world will not stop in its tracks if I do something just for me. I also had to learn to allow myself to consider my own well-being while tending to those around me. Being a people pleaser, ultimately, the lesson was learning that receiving is just another form of giving – that is, by receiving you are allowing the giver to receive his/her own satisfaction in that act toward you. 

In my quest to put these lessons into action and do something just because I wanted to, I decided to have some light-hearted fun while doing something very out-of-character. I auditioned for two game shows that were having tryouts in my home town!

My first foray was with The Weakest Link. I had never even watched the show, but I thought it might be fun to see what it was all about. There must have been 500 people all vying for 10spots. After filling out the paperwork, we were instructed, one by one, to stand up and state our name and one sentence about ourselves. Ann Landers had passed away shortly before this tryout, so I told the interviewer I was an author of self-help books and that since Ann was gone I was fully prepared to take her place. I guess that was a memorable statement because I was picked to go on to the next round where a mini-version of the game was played. I did not make it through this round, but it did give me the confidence to try again.

A year or so later, I saw an announcement on TV for open auditions for the Pyramid game show, which was making a comeback with host Donny Osmond.. I quickly wrote down the 800 number and rushed to make my appointment. After many thwarted tries and continuous busy signals, I finally reached a live person. Before assigning me a time slot,I needed to answer various questions. The one I found most interesting was --"Are you a presidential candidate?" At the time, I thought -- could you just see George W. Bush on this show? Somehow I didn't think he had the appropriate verbal skills!

Anyway -- I was in! Prospective contestants were advised that the producers were looking for people with a pleasant smile; good verbal skills (who knew I would finally get to use my college degree for something purposeful?); and someone to whom the audience could relate and like right away. As I prepared myself the morning of the tryout, I struggled with the most important question – what should I wear? Should I appear demure or were they looking for a bolder look to liven up the show? I opted to not push the envelop and settled for middle of the road -- not too demure and not too bold; however, I did wear red pants, so I would stand out. Of course, many other people had the same bright idea, and I simply melted into the sea of red – and it did not part in my wake!

Traveling for a good hour, the mall where the tryouts would take place loomed large across the freeway. I parked, and as I approached the designated meeting place, I saw the line had already started.

As we stood there, the production assistants gave us name  tags and took our picture with the person standing next to us. About 15 minutes later they came around again to distribute the pictures.They tore them in half and gave each of us our own picture. One person on line remarked -- it's just like a break up when you keep the picture of yourself because you liked it and discard the other person.

The appointed time arrived, and we were let into the room where we filled out an application and watched a tape of the show to acquaint us with how the game is played. A 30 question test was given. Five items were named, and we had to put down the category name that tied them together. Stated at the outset was that it was a difficult test and not many people would be left.

I really didn't think it was that hard and was sure I got the answers right (of course except the one I had no idea about and had to skip). Unfortunately, the judges were not in agreement with me, and I didn't make the cut. Of the original 75, all but 8 were dismissed with the proviso that we were welcome to try out again in six months.And with that, my fifteen minutes of fame (and a possible $25,000) slipped through my fingers.

There was a happy ending though-- that was the night I met my current husband, who lived on that side of town– a place I rarely visited.

So the point of this tale is  --- sometimes feelings of grief, although indicative of a great loss, allow us to be brave enough to have new experiences of which we could have never conceived. Life is for the living, so grab hold and have some fun!

I found a good way to work through grief (and other issues) is reading the wisdom of others.

Personally, I read a great variety of books, articles, etc and take bits and pieces of each – the ones I feel would be a good fit into my life and belief system. This helps me to formulate a plan on how to move forward and makes me think about the types of new thoughts I want to incorporate in my daily life.

One of my favorite books is The Way of the Wizard, Twenty Spiritual Lessons for Creating the Life You Want by Deepak Chopra. It is written as a dialogue between Merlin (the wizard) and (King) Arthur as a young boy. Merlin, as the personification of our wisest self, “teaches” Arthur about life, love, and the world at large through lessons and examples.

Although I found all the lessons inspiring, here are a few I’d like to share. Please note that these quotes are abbreviated versions of the original interchange between Merlin and Arthur.

1. “The wizard has completely freed himself from the known. To him the only freedom lies in the unknown, because whatever is known is past and dead.”

After losing a loved one, a person is set adrift from all that he/she once knew. Rather than being stuck in how it always was, try to open up your mind to possibilities. Try to treat the unknown (your new life) as an adventure and not something to be feared. Instead of walking with your head down and blinders on, walk with your eyes up and constantly look around you. Take advantage of chance meetings and coincidences; listen to your intuition and act on it; and come to trust yourself. These actions will help you to break free from the known and enter the unknown of a new life. I am not suggesting that you jump head first into new adventures without considering ramifications -- only to be open to the unknown.

2. “Who am I? is the only question worth asking and the only one never answered.”

Since my late husband and I met while we were mere teenagers and were inherently similar, as time went along, we became more so. When I was forced to confront the world by myself, I truly learned who I was – and, surprisingly, it was someone quite different than I thought. I came to realize that I had been carrying around old pictures of myself, which I needed to update in my mind as I took on new roles and became more independent. I attempted to let each new experience I encountered expand my consciousness and let me soar to new (and previously unknown) heights. As I continue down my path, I am constantly asking myself the equivalent of the question: “What do I want to be when I grow up?” I believe life is a quest to find out who you are, and we keep searching until we are no more.

3. “A memory is a once-living thing turned into a dead image. But as long as I can forget you every day, then I will wake up to see you anew the day after. I will see the real you, stripped of outworn images.”

This one is my favorite and holds such a powerful message. If every time we interact with someone, we forget all our preconceived notions of “who he or she was”, then judgment can be obliterated. As each person is hopefully always evolving, we can simply accept him/her as he/she is at that moment in time rather than how we “remember” him or her. Moreover, we can also begin to accept ourselves as we are today and not as we were yesterday or many yesterdays ago. In this way, every day is an opportunity for change and growth.

You may also want to keep this lesson in mind when you think about readjusting the image of your late spouse (or other loved one). This is a topic I will address in an upcoming blog.

I recommend a full reading of The Way of the Wizard. which is available on Amazon, eBay, and at your local library. Deepak Chopra is a world-renowned authority in the field of mind-body healing, a best-selling author, a global force in the field of human empowerment, and the founder of the Chopra Center for Wellbeing.

A woman was shopping when an adorable little statue caught her eye. Itwas fun, and she had to have it! Once at home, she examined the purchase moreclosely and realized it was a metaphor for her life. She had bought a “Woo” doll,and the attached tag read:

“The Woo is a benevolent force

reappearing to remind us that a POSITIVE attitudeis essential

and that anything IS possible. Make it happen”

In the game of life, this woman had been dealt cards from both sidesof the deck. Today, she leads a fulfilling life overflowing with friends andfamily. She has a rewarding career and enough leisure time to enjoy herself.However, she has suffered many losses as well, for her husband and two sonspassed away within a relatively short time of each other. Each time, shepondered how she would come to accept such unbearable sorrow. Often, she alsoquestioned if her well of strength would ever run dry.

The truth is, inside each of us is a never-ending supply of Spirit thatallows recovery from despair. Here’s the catch -- you have to make a consciousdecision to discover and utilize your own restorative powers. Additionally,make sure to afford yourself the time to move forward -- rather than remainingstuck in the mire of grief and loss.

At first, anger will move you through the cloud of distress – youranger at the loved one who has passed on; your anger at the world; and youranger at yourself for not being mentally prepared for the loss of life as youknew it. Anger propels you forward with a purpose, which allows you to dealwith the business of life in order to forge a new normalcy for yourself andyour remaining family members.

Eventually, you must resolve that anger and come to accept your newlife. This new life is not better or worse – just different. You must begin tolet laughter and light break through your cloud of doom. And in so doing, thewonders of the world are illuminated once again. This time, however, you areinfinitely more aware of the preciousness of each moment.

Having a positive attitude like the “Woo doll” does not mean you arefull of light and sunshine all of the time. Instead, despite the woefulsituation in which you may find yourself, it is always possible to see a lightat the end of the proverbial tunnel. Tunneling your way through hard times --not around them or over them -- is what really builds your spiritual muscle.It’s also what ultimately keeps the smile on your face and the flicker of lightin your heart!

Many widow/widowers may wonder when is the proper time to remove an engagement ring and/or wedding ring and, after doing so, what should be done with them. The only possible response to this question is -- do whatever makes you feel comfortable.

As there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there is also no right or wrong thing to do with your rings or a time frame that needs to be followed. You may choose to wear your rings for the rest of your life, or you may choose to remove them immediately after your spouse’s death.  Trust yourself to do what is best for you, and bear in mind that what is true for you today may be different tomorrow.

I stopped wearing my engagement ring right away. Since the stone sat high up, I always took it off while I was in the house anyway so as not to bang it on something while doing housework. When I came home after my late husband’s death, I took off my ring, as usual, and it never felt right putting it on again. I still wore my wedding ring for about two more months.

I didn’t know anyone else my age (39 at the time) who had lost a spouse nor was I aware of any grief support groups. Consequently, I didn’t have anyone that I could ask about the proper protocol. Little did I know that there is no “proper” protocol ~ only what feels right to each individual.

I would look down at my hand and see this symbol of marriage and think logically – well, I’m not married anymore so I guess I should not wear my ring. I was also pretty angry at my husband for taking his own life and felt that if he could leave me, I didn’t need to wear a symbol of our union. 

In retrospect, if I had to do it over again, I probably would have worn my wedding band a lot longer, but, again, once I took it off, it didn’t seem right to put it back on. It’s too bad we can not lead our lives in retrospect ~~ only going forward. Accordingly, we can only do what we feel is the right thing at that moment in time. My finger did feel bare for quite a while, for I had been married for just shy of twenty years. I never wore another ring of any type until I married again eight years after my loss.

Later on, as I met others in a similar circumstances, this topic usually came up and everyone seemed to have a different idea. Some of the suggestions I heard included:

~Continue to wear your rings on your left hand

~Move the rings to your right hand

~Make the rings into other pieces of jewelry – either for yourself or your children

~Attach the rings to a chain worn around the neck

~Put them away and pass them on to your children when they are ready to get married

Thirteen years after my late husband’s death, I took the stone from my engagement ring and had it formed into another piece of jewelry. Our wedding rings are still sitting in my safe deposit box waiting to be given to my sons, if they so desire.

You can get lots of opinions on what to do, but, in the end, I suggest you listen to your heart and remember that there are no time limits. As I said before, it is impossible to make a wrong decision, and, like me, it may take many years to decide on the final disposition of your rings.