Why The Nice Boys Are Being Left Behind

Mothers of boys are beside themselves today. Here they have raised their sons to be kind, considerate, caring, and generally nice guys -- any girl’s dream. Unfortunately, the girls today are more interested in the “bad boys” -- the ones that treat them horribly and break their hearts. Why do they come back for more? Why are the nice guys being left behind?

Society seems to have made a 360-degree turnaround. The rules of dating have changed, and no one seems to have informed the guys. No wonder they are confused!

Girls are infinitely more independent these days. No longer are they told to become teachers so they can have the same hours as their children. Today, parents don’t advise their daughters to go to college to get a degree plus an M.R.S. Girls are taught they can have it all -- a career, marriage and a family. They are empowered to go after what they want, when they want it. In this process, their attitude toward dating has also changed. Girls don’t wait at home waiting for the telephone to ring; if there is someone they want to date, they will take the initiative.

A good majority of girls, and boys, have watched their parents’ marriages falter and end in divorce. They have witnessed both verbal, mental, and, at times, physical abuse. Many have seen their mothers take charge of their lives and live happy and productive lives without a man. The mothers took control of the situation and handled it the best they could.

No matter how much children refuse to admit it, they are a product of their environment. They are more like their parents than they wish, and sometimes they actually hear their mother’s words coming out of their own mouths! It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out that a child will emulate the role model to which he/she has been exposed.

Single mothers, out of necessity, may have become a little more controlling than they would have if they had remained in their marriages. They have so many responsibilities that they feel the only way to accomplish everything is to keep a tight rein. Consequently, daughters see their mothers as “being in charge” at all times. They also see them able to cope without the help of a man. They might even see men as the enemy -- someone who will hold them down and not let them reach their goals. Some girls have only been exposed to bad boy role models, so it makes sense when they go to look for a man that is the type to whom they gravitate. They just don’t know how to react to a “nice guy” who is concerned about what they think and feel.

If one is not exposed to a good marriage and a successful male-female relationship, then she cannot possibly be expected to know how it works. Children learn by example and, today with the norm being single parent famllies, they are not learning how to compromise, to be a supportive partner, to work as a team, and to live and love in harmony.

Girls may think being strong and independent precludes having a relationship. In truth, it is those two characteristics that will make a relationship work. It makes two people come together because they want to be together rather than because they need to be. It allows them to remain individuals who respect each other rather than becoming co-dependent. Unfortunately, nice guys who are willing to bend and are not threatened to show their feminine side are being labeled by girls as too wishy-washy and weak. Instead, the girls turn to men who are self-centered and care only about their own needs.

WAKE UP GIRLS!!

Instead of being attracted to that sexy and dangerous, but not too sensitive and kind, guy, here are some of the qualities for which you should be searching.

Strength is a great quality in a guy, but sometimes a man’s greatest strength is being able to admit his doubts and fears. If a guy can cry in front of you and not feel any less a man, this is the guy you want. It means he is in touch with his feelings; he knows it is okay to hurt and face problems. He won’t bury his pain deep within his soul only to have it come out later as harmful actions or words directed towards you.

The ability to communicate, during both good times and bad, is of utmost importance. It is imperative to remember that your partner does not have E.S.P. He cannot know what you are thinking or feeling if you do not tell him. Do not assume he knows you are hurt, fearful, sad, or even happy. Learn to express yourself and create an environment where both partners feel safe enough to admit their dreams, hopes, and, sometimes, fears and failures.

Being able to take charge of a situation is another admirable trait. However, couples have to learn that one person cannot be in charge all the time. And, just because you are not in charge, it doesn’t mean you are giving up your power. Sometimes it is nice to be taken care of, and sometimes it is nice to care for your partner. Relationships are not always 50-50; sometimes they are 60-40, 70-30, and, at the extreme end, at times 90-10 or 100-0. Couples must learn to care for each other and not jockey for position. You must learn when to take charge and when to step back.

A man should be confident in his abilities and ambitious enough to do his best work at all times. He should also be able to share in his mate’s accomplishments and, if she should surpass him in the business world in either position or money, not be jealous or take it as a slap against his manhood. Secure individuals share in other people’s happiness and do not feel it makes them a lesser person.

You want someone who makes you feel good about yourself -- someone who allows you the freedom to explore what you want to be when you grow up. Moreover, you may not “grow up” until you are thirty or forty. How many young people actually know what they want to do for the rest of their lives? Life is a journey of exploration, and you need a partner willing to take your hand (sometimes leading and sometimes following) as you face the future together.

And as a final word of advice -- when deciding whether a relationship feels right or not, you must listen to three things -- your head, your heart, and your gut. All three must be in alignment. That means if your heart feels really happy, but in your gut, deep down, you know something is wrong -- do not be afraid to leave the relationship. Niggling little doubts have a way of manifesting themselves physically. They keep you up at night; they give you stomach and other body aches; and they make you lethargic and not want to face the world. Listen to your body. When things are truly right, your body will sing in perfect harmony!

Ellen Gerst is a Relationship Coach/Consultant who also specializes in the field of grief. She has just published "Love After Loss: Writing the Rest of Your Story", an instruction manual for redesigning your future to include a new love connection. This book is for both the divorced and widowed. Additionally, it includes advice on how to have a healthy and successful relationship, which men and women of all ages can benefit.  Click Here To Purchase Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story . Individual Relationship Coaching is available here .